me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not