[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣