If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”