There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
A double negative is a big no-no.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch