My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.