Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.