“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either