[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR