Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.