“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me