My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
#Caturday
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.