Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.