Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
the saddest jazz hands ever
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.