Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably