I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Finally!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.