I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
A classic…
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music