Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.