My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined