One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
marvel comics have peaked
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.