The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
and now we wait
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”