formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*jingles half the way*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
In space, no one can hear…
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Animal poetry
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn