Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Canada has crack?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me