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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
The legends speak of a third Duran…
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Meeeee too!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]