End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
how long have you had this for?
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Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu