End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.