Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.