Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Simple enough.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.