I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed