Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.