Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.