@Discourt

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

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@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@SteveSuckington

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

@ComedyCentral

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

@rockymomax

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

@DartsBofficial

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

@vangobot

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!