My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
we all know this pain all too well
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.