Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.