Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??