barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
You Might Also Like
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Best mom ever 😂
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’m ready for Halloween this year
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
beware of dog
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!