what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me