Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Two types of dogs.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence