*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Jail