I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*