seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
i really liked this one
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…