Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.