*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime