My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Goat cheese is for herders.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….