I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?