I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back