*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!![]()
You Might Also Like
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
We’ve all been there
![]()
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends