*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.
*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution