I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
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my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My dad is at it again
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer