political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
You Might Also Like
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
scares
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*