political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Husband of the year 😂
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’m too immature for adultery.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino