I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok