me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Lmfao
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.