Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Florida man
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.