me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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