“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Oh my god
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
this makes me so uncomfortable
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.