i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break