i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Why am I like this?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell